being one hundred percent single is well great. i wasnt for over a year. having that one person hanging over my head all the time. i couldnt date someone else but half the time i was so alone. I really feel this time it is totally over. and i feel great about it.
My life is headed in a great direction and nobody is going to ruin that for me. Im done being second best, except for when he realizes that he had something great. he had me. and now someone else has the oppurtunity* to have me. Work is great. I will have my car soon. its just choosing a career path now and working my ass off to get it. Mwah!

...but this summer is quite strange.

I clean up your mess from the night before. I get in trouble for texting you constantly at work, about stupid things. Im always on egg shells. Then I slip up and its hell I pay. I smoke myself to sleep to drown out your words in the dark. I won't lie. I do my share. But I've hit my end. Im so tense, I need some peace. I'll manage on my own, I have people that care. People that take me for who I am. I might be crazy, I might be a stoner, but the thing is I don't hate myself at all. I know im still worth something and im not the person I was when we met.

Anyways. Work is nice. Its pretty constant and the 6 days a week goes by quick. I have cash now and people off my back about getting a job. Although im looking for a second job. Just to save money for if when I go to 4C's I don't have to work an awful lot.

Friends are surviving. Family is surviving. The weeks are flying by and summer will be here in no time.

Oh what will happen next?

I started doing yoga last week at CIGSYA. Its really nice. I went again last night and after sitting in shock all day it was what i needed. I centered my body and mind long enough to really get in my head. (Every tuesday at 7 anyone can go, its free you should try it)

Wes came over at 4 am yesterday morning to keep my company. I sat in shock with wes who had gone to school with Corey. It didnt really hit me til i saw the pictures and videos from the wreck, thats when those rare tears came. I had only known Corey since early october. Pat talked so highly of him i couldnt help but want to be his friend. Always smiling,laughing,joking. He had his friends back. When i trainwrecked new years eve he helped me, fixed me up. When i got out of rehab he was one of the few people i didnt mind seeing, because he was understanding. Corey was too young and nobody got enough time with him. My heart goes out to all of the people who were blessed with Corey's presence. I love you Ken Doll and i will miss you forever.

I knew there was something very bad that had happened. I got the text but it could have been anything coming from the sender. I hated that facebook had to tell me that corey had passed away. Im in shock. I remember the night i met corey and my stupid friend was hitting on him and he wanted nothing to do with her and it was so funny him texting pats phone saying help!

He had a job and a car and a great group of friends. He was well on his way of sooner or later getting off cape cod. He was too young. And although me and him weren't the best of friends he made me laugh which is hard to do. So Corey i wish you all the best in the new dimension your in or wherever you may be. I will miss you always.

Why havent i posted to live journal in over a month. Its not because i dont miss my LJ friends and communities, it could never be that. I have been terribly depressed. I got into the habit of spending almost all my time at home. Yes I've become closer with my family and the people who live with me. I've become anti- social and only social really with the people my boyfriend(s) hangs out with, not that they arent great people. I became insecure and let myself go. It turned into a psychotic breakdown until i snapped and hurt pat who i care about and love so much. It lead me to a guy who although cute and talented hasnt amounted to much then a fling at this point. I went on a little drinking binge and made a fool of myself once again, where i giggled and brought up pat a lot til even my mother said "shut the fuck up". So more clearheaded now, im single. I'd like to be single, independent, and just have fun. If someone comes back or along so be it. Im questioning going for my nail technician program because i dont see that much business for it on cape cod, then again im trying to get off of cape cod. Just getting a minimum wage job would be nice. I want some cash to take trips up to boston for the day. Just money to spend on whatever i want and oh rent.haha. Im as a happy as i can be at the moment and just living.

I guess I don't write in here anymore because, what am I gonna get out of it?
Things have changed dramatically this year and its only February. I went to rehab, duh. Relapsed with some liquor. Decided to learn moderation. Stopped things with Pat, only to start dating him. Which its good. He's the only guy that doesn't totally disgust me. I can't help but check out girls, like the hott dancer last night at the club. Yeah I went to a club. I've always said its just a reason for girls to dress slutty and guys to try and get their dick touched. It was all in all fun. Im glad I at least tried it. Maybe I'll do it again. I like dancing just not with men. Im currently moving and its a pain in the ass. I must find a job as soon as possible. Sitting around all day smoking cigarettes and checking my facebook isn't cutting it. Plus I wanna be able to make money and spend it on first my rent and bills and second on myself, third to spend it on people I care about. Now I have a few select people I care about.

I've been seeing a therapist, who is just not cutting it. Its like she really doesn't understand and just agrees with everything I think. Her office is dimly lit and I get distracted by the mirrors. I have to keep seeing her to get to the psychologist and to get my pills. Although I think the pills are hardly working.

I have this vision of jumping into a pool. I feel the water touch my skin. Its cold but so enjoyable. Its strange it happens almost everyday.

Im truly exhausted and have to finish packing so I'll end this entry with a goodbye and I'll see ya when I see ya.

Things are slowly looking up. I like being sober. I also don't mind a few drinks, socially. Im always gonna love my ganja. People are like OMG gianna/gigi you drank, your not suppose to. I say to that take a look at yourself as you try and find household cleaners and medications to get fucked up in your room. Liar,Liar,Liar. Why do you lie not only to me but to yourself?

Ex's ugh.

Available jobs are so weak. I just wanna give up. I can't. I can't do another month of this sitting around doing nothing.

I pulled my back, it sucks. I feel OLD! I could only relate with the old man at mcdonalds that Pat started a conversation with this afternoon. Lol.

Im gonna end this to clean my room...again. Then maybe try and beat my writers block.
I haven't written in like 3 weeks. SO bad.

Hello and goodbye to all the people who have decided to make my first days back a living hell. If your not breanna,sheryl,caroline, or a part of MY FAMILY then mind your business on things pertaining to my drug use. You say you care, but your digging your own grave and im gonna push you the fuck in it.My life, my body, my mistakes.The end on that one.

Had to end things with Pat on whatever level we were on. From what I heard we were "sorta seeing each other" whatever came with that was too much to handle. He treats me how a guy should treat a girl, but im not that girl. He's a great guy. Yet im looking for something and I need to discover it on my own. I for once in what a year and a half have to be completely alone.

I didn't realize until writing this I haven't been alone. It started with katie, that didn't last. That lead me to ashley which didn't last long. Then in between spending all my time with the mcintyres,wes,kristina. I started dating pinhead which didn't last a whole long time either. That brought me to Corrina which I guess didn't mean much to her. On to Christie who well you know the story. Then Jake last summer. Onto my love of liquor and random lovers up to Pat and all that shit which not many know about. I'll keep it that way. Time for a break!

Anyways I need a job. But this economy is shit. Im not giving up I just don't wanna see one more hiring sign and then hear oh we aren't actually hiring. TAKE DOWN YOUR FUCKING SIGN THEN!!!

Oh this wasn't suppose to be a rant, then again they never are suppose to end that way.

I spent the past 10 days of my life at a castle. It wasn't your normal castle you read of or hear stories of from your parents as a child,not even close. The castle changed me,to a point. I've learned many things, if i choose to accept them then that is a choice I will make on my own. My personality hasn't change much, so don't expect saint jonas to knock on your door. Im still Gianna, just attempting a better life. A cut on the drugs, that brought me down to rock bottom and left my pockets dry. A pretty positive outlook on life. People can change you, you just cant change someone who doesn't want to change. You could try and do it but a person must want a better life for themselves, in order to have a better life. At this point and time i don't have much, barely a job, not attending school. What i do have is a second chance maybe its my 90th chance but i still have a chance. With just a chance at life, and i mean literally yes life and death. I don't want to be in the papers for that girl that didn't even get to her 21st birthday maybe even her 18th at the rate i was going. Put me in the paper for something great. Fuck it maybe a magazine if i have my way. Then again im at day 2 in the real world again. It's scary, I was shaking as i left the castle. Im very good at playing off my emotions always have been,always will. Its a good tool to have. I have a good support system already and they are the people that will be there for me if i slip and fall.

I have much work ahead of me in life. But life shouldn't be easy street. Yes sometimes you get a quick glance at it but usually at the end of easy street its nothing pretty. I know this now. I'll join the gym, take a yoga class perhaps. Find a job that will keep my interest. Perhaps get a vehicle and drive off this horrible place once and for all, maybe to visit. Im not sure. Live everyday for today and not stress about the future or dwell in the past. I am my worst enemy if i let addictions get the best of me. Im not straightedge, or a saint. Im me, i smoke cigarettes and may always have relationship issues. Im not overly affectionate, and i don't wear my heart on my sleeves. Im gonna be friends with whoever i want, date whoever i want, have sex with whoever i want. I make the decisions that form my life and if you don't want to be a part of my life then fuck off, your not worth my time.