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systematic sex and all that follows
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26th-Dec-2010 08:39 am - LIFE
I haven't visited this place in a very long time. I stopped writing, my creativity has vanished. My life has changed in so many ways. I let myself go, forgot what it was to be happy to be alive. I thought i needed someone to be happy, so i searched and found nothing. I finally settled. I settled for someone who made me laugh and was good in bed. The passion was never really there however but i said it will all come together and well it never did. I slept every night next to someone that i was so indifferent about, but i was comforted by the fact i wasnt alone. It crashed and burned i was working three jobs and going to school and i was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. People noticed they offered their help and support but there was nothing to be done. the breakdown came, I flipped. I verbally destroyed the boy.. i was seeing. I feel terrible, but it was all built up for so long, its not his fault. He lives his life the only way he knows, i just wasnt satisfied and could never adjust. Something was missing and he did not have the ability to give it to me. I needed that touch i crave so badly. I left one of my jobs that had been stressing and killing me mentally/emotionally even physically. im single im only working two jobs, school is on break. I feel refreshed, invigorated, alive. I wanna start learning my banjo, i wanna read books like i use to, i want a higher education, i want to stay sober. I say i want but these are things i wanna do. I wont promise to go to the gym, i always procrastinate that. Maybe someone will wander into my life, but they dont have to for me to be happy. You are the person that makes your life, your family and friends are your support, your lovers are who make you tingle and rejoice in your life, and you decide what makes life worth living for.
13th-May-2010 10:51 pm - me oh my
i did it. i have money in the bank. i have a car. two jobs. decent place to live. Of course I'm not stopping just there. I felt psychotic and useless. i was useless. i was an addict. i stayed with someone i despised for too long. made me insecure, not good enough. Only to fuck my ex. It was an era, and that era has ended. I lead a quiet life, although it has its chaotic moments here and there. I wont get into the details. the internet is the last place for details. I'm gonna make things happen. I will never go back to who i was. It was the loneliest, cold and darkest place I have ever been.
24th-Sep-2009 08:53 am - i know im MIA
being one hundred percent single is well great. i wasnt for over a year. having that one person hanging over my head all the time. i couldnt date someone else but half the time i was so alone. I really feel this time it is totally over. and i feel great about it.
My life is headed in a great direction and nobody is going to ruin that for me. Im done being second best, except for when he realizes that he had something great. he had me. and now someone else has the oppurtunity* to have me. Work is great. I will have my car soon. its just choosing a career path now and working my ass off to get it. Mwah!
13th-Jul-2009 05:35 pm - not that im not strange
...but this summer is quite strange.
I clean up your mess from the night before. I get in trouble for texting you constantly at work, about stupid things. Im always on egg shells. Then I slip up and its hell I pay. I smoke myself to sleep to drown out your words in the dark. I won't lie. I do my share. But I've hit my end. Im so tense, I need some peace. I'll manage on my own, I have people that care. People that take me for who I am. I might be crazy, I might be a stoner, but the thing is I don't hate myself at all. I know im still worth something and im not the person I was when we met.

Anyways. Work is nice. Its pretty constant and the 6 days a week goes by quick. I have cash now and people off my back about getting a job. Although im looking for a second job. Just to save money for if when I go to 4C's I don't have to work an awful lot.

Friends are surviving. Family is surviving. The weeks are flying by and summer will be here in no time.

Oh what will happen next?
I started doing yoga last week at CIGSYA. Its really nice. I went again last night and after sitting in shock all day it was what i needed. I centered my body and mind long enough to really get in my head. (Every tuesday at 7 anyone can go, its free you should try it)

Wes came over at 4 am yesterday morning to keep my company. I sat in shock with wes who had gone to school with Corey. It didnt really hit me til i saw the pictures and videos from the wreck, thats when those rare tears came. I had only known Corey since early october. Pat talked so highly of him i couldnt help but want to be his friend. Always smiling,laughing,joking. He had his friends back. When i trainwrecked new years eve he helped me, fixed me up. When i got out of rehab he was one of the few people i didnt mind seeing, because he was understanding. Corey was too young and nobody got enough time with him. My heart goes out to all of the people who were blessed with Corey's presence. I love you Ken Doll and i will miss you forever.

I knew there was something very bad that had happened. I got the text but it could have been anything coming from the sender. I hated that facebook had to tell me that corey had passed away. Im in shock. I remember the night i met corey and my stupid friend was hitting on him and he wanted nothing to do with her and it was so funny him texting pats phone saying help!

He had a job and a car and a great group of friends. He was well on his way of sooner or later getting off cape cod. He was too young. And although me and him weren't the best of friends he made me laugh which is hard to do. So Corey i wish you all the best in the new dimension your in or wherever you may be. I will miss you always.
12th-Mar-2009 08:54 pm - oh brother! lets have another!
Why havent i posted to live journal in over a month. Its not because i dont miss my LJ friends and communities, it could never be that. I have been terribly depressed. I got into the habit of spending almost all my time at home. Yes I've become closer with my family and the people who live with me. I've become anti- social and only social really with the people my boyfriend(s) hangs out with, not that they arent great people. I became insecure and let myself go. It turned into a psychotic breakdown until i snapped and hurt pat who i care about and love so much. It lead me to a guy who although cute and talented hasnt amounted to much then a fling at this point. I went on a little drinking binge and made a fool of myself once again, where i giggled and brought up pat a lot til even my mother said "shut the fuck up". So more clearheaded now, im single. I'd like to be single, independent, and just have fun. If someone comes back or along so be it. Im questioning going for my nail technician program because i dont see that much business for it on cape cod, then again im trying to get off of cape cod. Just getting a minimum wage job would be nice. I want some cash to take trips up to boston for the day. Just money to spend on whatever i want and oh rent.haha. Im as a happy as i can be at the moment and just living.
I guess I don't write in here anymore because, what am I gonna get out of it?
Things have changed dramatically this year and its only February. I went to rehab, duh. Relapsed with some liquor. Decided to learn moderation. Stopped things with Pat, only to start dating him. Which its good. He's the only guy that doesn't totally disgust me. I can't help but check out girls, like the hott dancer last night at the club. Yeah I went to a club. I've always said its just a reason for girls to dress slutty and guys to try and get their dick touched. It was all in all fun. Im glad I at least tried it. Maybe I'll do it again. I like dancing just not with men. Im currently moving and its a pain in the ass. I must find a job as soon as possible. Sitting around all day smoking cigarettes and checking my facebook isn't cutting it. Plus I wanna be able to make money and spend it on first my rent and bills and second on myself, third to spend it on people I care about. Now I have a few select people I care about.

I've been seeing a therapist, who is just not cutting it. Its like she really doesn't understand and just agrees with everything I think. Her office is dimly lit and I get distracted by the mirrors. I have to keep seeing her to get to the psychologist and to get my pills. Although I think the pills are hardly working.

I have this vision of jumping into a pool. I feel the water touch my skin. Its cold but so enjoyable. Its strange it happens almost everyday.

Im truly exhausted and have to finish packing so I'll end this entry with a goodbye and I'll see ya when I see ya.
24th-Jan-2009 04:54 pm(no subject)
Things are slowly looking up. I like being sober. I also don't mind a few drinks, socially. Im always gonna love my ganja. People are like OMG gianna/gigi you drank, your not suppose to. I say to that take a look at yourself as you try and find household cleaners and medications to get fucked up in your room. Liar,Liar,Liar. Why do you lie not only to me but to yourself?

Ex's ugh.

Available jobs are so weak. I just wanna give up. I can't. I can't do another month of this sitting around doing nothing.

I pulled my back, it sucks. I feel OLD! I could only relate with the old man at mcdonalds that Pat started a conversation with this afternoon. Lol.

Im gonna end this to clean my room...again. Then maybe try and beat my writers block.
I haven't written in like 3 weeks. SO bad.
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